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I scrolled down my Facebook feed last night, image after image of comments, photos, memes about a fresh tragedy in Charleston. Nine souls in heaven now, countless beings writhing in anguish because someone thought it was okay – or necessary – to kill in order to try to control their environment.
Cynthia Hurd, Reverend Sharonda Singleton, Ethel Lance, Tywanza Sanders, The Honorable Reverend Clementa Pinkney, Myra Thompson, Reverend DePayne Middleton-Doctor, Reverend Daniel Simmons, and Susie Jackson have all left this world at the hands of another person. Beautiful people; this world misses them.
Dylann Roof thought he had something to protect from them.
I see posts by my dark-skinned friends and wonder if their feelings about me have changed. I look pretty darn white. I’m afraid to comment. I value their friendship; I love them, even the ones I’ve never broken bread with. I don’t want to lose them. I agree with them. I wonder if they would believe that. I sit in silence.
That’s my attempt to control my environment.
I see comments by Charleston citizens of my own apparent ethnicity, heartbroken that someone violated the ‘charm’ of their city. Much of that ‘charm’ was built through the theft of the sweat of slaves. Can I tell my friends that some of my own ancestors landed in Charleston, hundreds of years ago? There’s a street there named after my mother’s family. They went on to own a plantation in Alabama.
Shame. Secrets. Pain.
I’ve listened to relatives pine about lost grandeur, wistfully flipping through photos of elegant sitting rooms and rolling lawns. I’m riveted by the photos of the slave cabins (no one calls them that anymore; now they’re ‘out-buildings’). I’m afraid to comment. I value their friendship; I love them, even the ones who have hit me repeatedly. I don’t want to lose them. But I don’t agree with them. I wish I could think of something to say that would open their minds. I sit in silence.
Shame. Secrets. Despair.
Gender, Race, Nationality, Species, for goodness’ sake. Whatevah. But whatevah matters.
Karma. Our state of mind, our actions, bring us to our present conditions. Our world is our mirror. Everything we see and experience reflects our own state of mind. Thank goodness it’s fluid and mutable.
I believe in reincarnation. Not because it makes sense, but because of what I’ve seen firsthand (out of body experience in 1999, dreams beyond enumeration).
In recent years, I’ve explored regression hypnosis. I wanted to know if I’ve been abducted by ‘aliens’. I wanted to know how far back my Buddhist roots go. Instead of plunging back into memories of darkened bedrooms, mysterious glowing lights and little people with big eyes and elephant-hide skin, or sitting in caves in the Himalayas, I got histories beyond this world.
In every session, my mind has carried me to worlds so unlike this one that description strains possibility. I’ve been a humanoid aquatic being with golden and blue skin that flowed in rippling ribbons around my legs. I’ve been a spindly, withered being that buried himself deep in sand so he could send his mind to other bodies in other universes in order to try and open minds, teach. I’ve been a pilot of a starship trying to blast through a crusty yet etheric shield around earth – eons ago. I’ve been a young goatherd living in remote mountains who left home to travel with the star beings who visited regularly. I’ve been a fat old woman who ran a boarding house in a post-apocalyptic America-like place, having lost all family and friends and living in a neo-agrarian society without even a post office.
It’s enough to make me want to write Science Fiction, because I doubt anyone might believe they’re my memories. As if it matters. It’s enough to make me wonder how humans can be so confused that we think we’re not the same, just because we look different or hold different beliefs. And yet, each time I return to this waking life I marvel that I can be both Leslee and all those beings. If I can be all those beings, then I can also be a person killed in a senseless shooting. Or the person firing the gun.
I try to keep my vision focused on the facets of the mirror that please me, wishing to love and share and cherish others. But the hateful glimpses keep popping into my peripheral vision. There’s some house-keeping to be done.
Since I was a little kid growing up in 1960’s Alabama, I’ve been confronted with racism ranging from subtle to terrifyingly flagrant. It frightens me to the core. If humans hate each other because of culture and skin color, what’s to protect me from the hatred of others? If I don’t even identify myself as human, how can I walk in this world without fear?
In this life, here I sit as an overweight white female, trying to learn to accept it, even to love it; trying to learn to love myself. Somehow, I pray to believe, that effort works towards bringing unconditional love to this world.
Here’s what I’m up against:
Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve hated my white skin.
Not because I’m racist; because it just looks like the wrong skin. It’s not the skin I was expecting in this life. I gaze upon people with golden caramel-colored skin or deep coffee-colored skin, smile at their radiant beauty, and pray to have my skin back in my next life. It might be African, it might be Tibetan or Mayan, I don’t know or care. Just please not this splotchy pink translucent stuff. I can’t explain it; I can only confess it’s where I’m at, and I want to move to a better place.
For now, I have to deal with this white skin.
When I was a little girl, I used to check regularly to see if my missing genitalia was finally growing in. I’m not a lesbian or trans-gender; I just thought I was supposed to be a guy. When I got my first menstrual cycle, I sobbed in despair; I was doomed to life as a female. I knew instinctively at that young age that to be female in that present world and time meant to be perceived as less-than, dis-empowered.
For now, I have to deal with this female gender.
When I got pregnant, I gained 75 pounds. Twenty years later, I still carry 30 of them. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror.
Which is, of course, the root of the situation at hand.
Thank goodness I believe these transient conditions will pass. Thank goodness I can see the world changing before my very eyes. Thank goodness I believe we can come through this mess of current events with a deeper understanding of ourselves and how we connect and create our realities. Because I can’t wait to fall in love with what I see in the mirror.
I don’t want to live in a world of self-hatred, with constant reminders flashing before me on Facebook and the news.
To accomplish that, I must learn to love others as myself. It’s a process. I don’t want to feel separate from others. I don’t want resentment, anger, despair. I want love, peace and community.
To accomplish that, I must learn to love myself, so my mirror-world doesn’t show me the horror of Dylann Roof’s actions. Dylann Roof hates himself far more than those he killed. That’s how he can stand expressionless while listening to loved ones of the dead plead with him to repent. He doesn’t feel worthy of salvation; his despair runs that deep.
Does my despair run that deep? Does your despair run that deep?
Can I accept my own circumstances – the world I’ve created – and be willing to surrender my wish to control, protect, preserve? Am I willing to insist on love at any cost?
When I remember that this is just one life, just one world among countless universes, the conditions I grasp with my might-as-well-be-skeleton-hands dissolve and waft away like strands of a spiderweb in a soft breeze, like a forgotten dream.
I have work to do.
Because I have work to do, we have work to do.
You are me. I am you. I love you.
This matters. Please don’t shrug this off and say, “whatevah”. In every moment we make choices that lead us along our path in this world, and thus we choose what we will next see in the mirror of our world.
Please help me remember in those every moments, that we come from boundless love abiding in stillness and peace. We just got a little bored and decided to incarnate. We don’t have to create pain.
Please, let’s do this together.
Thank you – please accept my deepest gratitude.
I was deeply honored on 22 December to spend 2 hours with Vince Martin and Brangwynn Christina Ravenheart, on the Talk With Vince Show.
After knowing about this for several months, when it got down to the last minute, I didn’t have time to post before the show to let everyone know about this! If you visit the link below and scroll down a little, you’ll see the links to the show
We covered a lot of topics, although I think Vince wanted most to know about “nuns and sex”, so that one kept popping back up!
I’m sitting here trying to find the words to express how deeply touched I am by the connections with Vince and Brangwynn. I feel like I’ve found a couple of friends I haven’t seen in ages, and that day was one of the most powerful I’ve experienced in this life.
If you’re able to find the time to listen to the archive, I hope there will be something there that you enjoy and find meaningful.
Many thanks to Vince, Brangwynn, and Erma, and in some ways, most of all to Arianna, for suggesting me as a guest to Vince.
Wishing you all a wonderful 2012!
In some ways it stuns me to consider that it was two years ago that I made this post.
At that time, I had not dreamed that I would really meet so many wonderful people, learn so much, and experience so much (more) change.
I wished for it, but I didn’t dare dream it might really happen.
Now I understand that when we simply hold fast, all that we desire will arise for us.
Many heartfelt thanks to all of you who have joined my journey(s) and given me so much love and friendship.
I’m honored to be here with you.
Please enjoy my latest video on YouTube: Chimney Rock Full Moon!
The photos, film, and sounds were recorded during the Full Moon observation event at Chimney Rock National Monument near Pagosa Springs, Colorado, on September 29, 2012. Program by Archaeoastronomer Charles Sutcliffe; Native American flute music (and flute-making!) by Charles Martinez.
The event ended early due to a beautiful and dramatic electrical storm that came through that evening. This produced some amazing light in the Spires and surrounding landscape.
Meditation For The Blue Full Moon On August 31
In the past few weeks, I’ve heard or seen mention from several sources about the rising powerful energies we’ll be experiencing in the 9 days beginning tomorrow, August 30.
Lhamo Dorje, one of my Guides who presents a particularly Buddhist aspect, has asked me to share with you a meditation practice that has been used for thousands of years, in case you would like to take advantage of it, to bring about beautiful changes in the world.
She calls this practice “The Moving Karma Meditation”, and it’s a variation of a well-known practice sometimes called “Taking And Giving”.
(In this context, “karma” refers simply to the laws of cause and effect, which we observe frequently. What we may forget sometimes is that these results of our actions – mental and physical – extend beyond a single lifetime and our currently limited perceptions…)
With this meditation, we use our incredibly powerful minds to shift or alter potentialities that we – or others – have created for ourselves – or others. It’s a simple form of visualization, which uses the intention of love, coming from the heart, to fuel positive change in this world.
We can use this meditation any time, and we can move it while we’re active, or sitting quietly. We can even set it as our intention when we go to sleep, with great impact.
The visualization and steps are essentially simple, although I’m sharing them below in some detail:
1. Focus for a moment on the region of your heart, and remind yourself that your heart is the indestructible source of all your experiences. What resides in your heart determines how your world appears. You already know this, and have known it…for countless ages.
2. Reflect for a moment that this is true for everyone. And because – for the moment – we live in a world in which we rely on our physical bodies more than our spiritual bodies, we all often make choices that affect ourselves and others in ways we might not have intended.
3. Now visualize, or intellectually imagine, just briefly, that every tiny – or huge – event that has ever caused any suffering to anyone appears as a tiny speck of black sand. All of this sand has been gathered into a pile… You may imagine it as large or small as you like.
4. As flecks of sand, these experiences lose distinction…they are all similar, and there is no point in being concerned about specifics any more. They simply represent pain.
5. Now please imagine that, from your heart emerges a tremendous swell of brilliant, clear blue crystalline, pure sea water, and this water represents – IS – an ocean of pure, cleansing, transformative LOVE.
6. This wave of loving water totally engulfs the pile of black sand, in a swirling whirlpool, sweeping the sand up into it’s currents, spinning it powerfully. Follow your heart…this water may swirl in either clockwise or counter-clockwise direction. You will come to understand the significance of the direction for yourself.
7. Now imagine that the water, still perfectly pristine, calms and becomes smooth as glass.
8. See that the sand, now as brilliant and transparent as clear quartz, lies quietly and smoothly on the bottom of the ocean of your heart. It, and all the actions it represents, have become completely purified.
9. Now imagine that the crystals of sand begin to radiate light magnificently, and this light very powerfully extends throughout the entire universe, touching every living being. Please imagine this light as being whatever color feels right to you at the moment… White and rainbow-colored are particularly powerful, but you may sense that another color is needed from time to time.
10. Please understand that this light IS very real, and very powerful, and that it cleanses, purifies, and blesses every being in existence. You have completely transformed all negativity in the world into brilliant, crystalline, pure love.
11. Just take another moment to feel that the whole world is now perfect. (This might be easier to do with your eyes closed, at first, but with time you will begin to see the difference you are making…)
As you go about your daily activities, if you find yourself in a challenging situation, try briefly thinking of your challenge as a pile of black sand, and imagine your heart sending a tsunami of love like water, to cleanse it and sweep it away. Then when you have more time, you can engage in a more detailed meditation if you like.
If you enjoy working with energy physically, if you feel disturbed you can brush the “sand” off your shoulders, and think of it as transforming and completely dissolving before it hits the ground.
These brief versions of the meditation are very useful when you feel very stressed. If you can remember to add the visualization of radiating the brilliant, loving light to others, and the world transforming as a result, the effect is many times more powerful.
Lhamo Dorje says the month of September, especially this year, is a very pivotal time for the shifting of energies. Anything we can do to re-train ourselves towards increasingly positive points of view will have a very deep effect.
Please move into these quieter times with an eye towards how we are all connected, and how we can – and do – help and teach and show examples to one another.
Thank you for trying and sharing this meditation in whatever way you feel guided, and may you enjoy many blessings through the coming of the Blue Moon!
Please click the link above if you’d like to read more about the opportunity to go to Pagosa Springs, CO, this August and meet a group of people who are focused on our future in the 5th Dimension!
I hope to attend, and I may even decide to drive there, so if anyone would like to share a ride, please contact me (email@example.com). I’ll be leaving from Atlanta, GA, dates yet to be determined.